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  • Writer's pictureRashmi Shinde

Finding Myself

Updated: Nov 21, 2021

“First find yourself and then go and find boys for marriage." This was the sentence dropped by my friend on a long phone call on which I was whining about how I am not able to find the right guy for marriage. His words had the known but unacknowledged truth which hit me hard.

I happen to be into the great Indian Arrange Marriage process, and I have been meeting up guys through this process for a couple of years now. And the recent guy turned up to be a disaster and left me disheartened. What my friend pointed out was that I have been meeting similar guys and getting disappointed on the similar issues. Which means I have been attracting guys who are not my type. Somehow the law of attraction or the manifestation was working wrongly for me.

I thought deeply about this. Is this really happening because I am not being me but I am trying to fit myself into the criteria of what is said to be "suitable for marriage"?

When I started on this journey of arrange marriage, I had my thoughts about the things such as haves and don’t haves in a guy. Eventually, the list started disintegrating and ended up to just one i.e., "no expectations". I am a very ambitious girl. I explore new things, pursue new interests, and wish to travel the world. My life was basically set as per my ambitions and so there were few set expectations for my partner whose lifestyle will be suitable to mine. However, after consecutive rejections, I had stopped doing my activities. I stopped talking about my ambitions to others. Instead, I said yes or I can manage, I wish to have a normal life after marriage…. such were my responses.

I think this is where I started losing myself. Instead of holding my ground and stating what I want, I have been trying to fit myself into the expectations of the other person. I exactly don’t know the reason for this, but I think it is because of FOLO. When you are crossing 30 years of age and you have social media constantly showing you the married life of your friends, it is difficult not to feel left out.

Slowly and unknowingly a thought starts seeping into you that what you are seeking for maybe doesn't exist and so you have to settle for what you get. It’s quite difficult to stay firm to your decisions when the people around you, especially the middle-class Maharashtrian family, who is constantly tensed about your marriage as if it’s the only thing left in their world to do and nothing else.

It’s very important that you do not lose yourself amidst the arrange marriage drama that goes on. Its ok if you get multiple rejections. There are thousands of options out there and of those one will suite you. And it is also important to have real friends in your life who pull you back on track when you start slipping. I am lucky to have two!

So, I am on my journey of finding myself and being myself. And to all the girls out there, who are going through the same, I wish them all the strength and support in the world.

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